I can’t tell you exactly how relieved I am to be writing this post.
Last week, I took to Instagram feeling a little defeated. I admitted that I was feeling lost in my marriage.
I told my sweet husband a couple of weeks ago that I feel like I've lost myself these past few months, or really, since we got married. What husband actually wants to hear that from his wife? We haven't been without our struggles. But last night, when I said it again after a particularly anxious day (we've been through a lot of decision making lately and are waiting on some pretty big news that will affect our future) I explained that yes, I feel like I've lost myself a bit, but I also know that I've GAINED so much since we've been married. So how could that be? Looking at me, he agreed, and said, "you just need to reDEFINE yourself." Whoa. I knew in an instant that he was right. He said that if I were to go back to who I was before marriage, would I still feel lost? Yes, yes I would. More so, most definitely. I mean come on, I couldn't live without my Cristian. Yes. Marriage has changed me. And I would be so naive to realize that it's not for the better. It's just that our circumstances right now are a little stressful and not ideal. And I get to decide on whether or not I get lost in that. So like my smarty pants hubs said, I'm going to find a way to redefine myself in the midst of change and struggle. Because now is as good a time as ever! 😉So instead of wanting to stay in bed all day (let's get real — depression doesn't go away once you get married…I think that needs to be it's very own blog post) I'm going to work really hard on rediscovering myself and who I want AND need to be in my marriage. Who's with me?! 💪🏻any and all tips appreciated. 😘
There’s been a few contributing factors that I’ve recognized and can call out: Cristian’s job — he’s been in training and awaiting relocation, which means we’ve been in Portland “temporarily.” I put quotes around it because at first it was supposed to be temporary. Then, the months started to go by and nothing was happening. He wasn’t getting the team members he needed. The right opportunity for relocation wasn’t available. (But good news! We’re getting closer…) So, that meant that looking for a full-time job in journalism in the Portland area wasn’t really an option, as I would most likely have to leave it soon after starting. Most likely.
So I resorted to nannying here and there, as it was the most immediate solution. I’ve hopped from one family to the next (the jobs have always been short-term or filling in for someone else) and nannied 11 children within like an 8-month time period.
I’ve gained weight — a lot of it for me — even though I’m the healthiest (and strongest) I’ve ever been probably in my entire young adult life.
I stopped taking my antidepressant/fibromyalgia drug for other health reasons.
Other facts include ones like oh, I wasn’t ready for the adjustment marriage was going to be. Don’t get me wrong — I was totally ready for marriage, especially spiritually. But morphing from an independent woman to a married one was kind of a shock to me. I love my husband. More than anything — and he’s my light and my joy. We have so much fun together, and life is pretty blissful, despite not the most ideal of circumstances. But having to adjust has filled me with a certain anxiety that does awful things to my self-esteem and I’m not going to lie, has affected my relationship with Cristian. I often doubt that I’m being a very good wife or that I’m who he deserves or has always wanted (even though he tells me constantly that I am).
- MORE: After seeing my IG post, my dear friend and old roommate Emmilie described how I’m feeling so much better in a post on her blog, The Wit Logs. Check it out!
So. Like in my Instagram post, something he told me last week has sparked a fire in me. The fact that I’m not necessarily lost — I just need to redefine myself.
So I’m taking some baby steps. The first one? Changing this blog!
I’ve decided I need to take it in a different direction. Don’t worry, there will still be beauty and fashion posts, but there will also be some more serious ones — like about the struggles we’ve faced as a newlywed couple, little personal essays about being Mormon, etc etc.
And I’ve had the idea for the name and the direction, really, for a while now but wanted to save it for when we could fill our den a little more. (wink, wink.)
But after having the realization I did, I was like, why should I wait for babies to start “The Joubert Den?” That way once I do, it’ll be all ready for them! And it won’t be strange that I all of sudden start blogging about motherhood and family life because I’ll have already been doing similar with blogging about marriage and the life Cristian and I share.
I’m so excited and feel so strongly that this is what I need to do right now. I miss journalism and my old newspaper job. So much that it often makes me cry. So I’m deciding to change it by being more serious about this blog. It won’t be the same, but it will be so, so good.
I’m so excited and hope you all will join me and Cristian on this journey!